Here...

I've been away for a while and I do apologize.  Life sometimes gets in the way and this is one of those situations.  I started school and things have been a bit crazy.  I've kind of been on and off program but my clothes to feel looser.   I've been drinking lots and lots of water and trying to eat healthy stuff.  I will write more tomorrow, I promise, but I wanted to make sure you knew I was still alive, and to appease the man I love so he'll stop bugging me to blog!

Not much, but still some food for thought. 

Sigh....this is harder than I thought.

Alright.  So I failed writing every day.  But I did not fail in keeping to my plan...well, almost.  Yesterday, after nearly 6 months of Aunt Flow being gone, she stopped by for a visit.  And the rest is history.  I have never craved chocolate and salt like this.  I was fine most of the day in bringing my healthy snacks to work, but once I got home all bets were off.  Oh, and I did have 2 miniature York Peppermint Patties, my favorites.  I had half a bar of a dark chocolate and almond bar and about 2 cups of hazelnut chocolate gelato. I also consumed a ton of pumpkin seeds, ergo the salt.  Ironically, I appear to have lost weight.  My pants feel every so slightly looser and I really 'felt' a tad thinner.  My ex even commented that I looked as if I had lost weight. I then of course, had to get back on the wagon, which I did, until I stopped at In'N'Out for my son.  I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with onion.  It actually had a lot of lettuce, tomato and onion so I had my veggies.  And I think there was only 1 piece of cheese.  I did not detect any mayo or sauce either.  So aside from the bun I don't think it was a terrible thing to have eaten.  I also got a chocolate shake, but I only had 5 sips.  

I have to say I do feel a whole lot better inside.  I've been eating oatmeal and raisins for breakfast with black coffee and several pieces of fruit throughout the day as a snack.  I had 2 tofu burgers and a half cup of brown rice for lunch and I'm trying to drink plenty of water.  I had my first diet coke in almost 2 weeks and it really didn't taste as good as I remember.  Could it be I'm getting used to this healthy eating thing?  I also don't feel as famished all the time.  That was always my big problem.  With food always on my mind, I always felt starved.  Now since I'm keeping healthy snacks within reach, I just grab something when I feel like it.  It keeps me in control of what I'm eating and how much.  

The bottom line is this.  I deviated a bit, but I'm not chastising myself for it like I would have in the past.  What's done is done.  It's not a diet.  I'm eating in moderation and I'm convinced that over time I will lose weight.  Not feeling guilty about cheating is huge.  In the past, if I ate something I shouldn't have I would torture myself with guilt.  Instead of just accepting I had eaten 5 oreo cookies and move on, I would go completely off the deep end and ravage the pantry and freezer. I figured I'd already blown it so why not blow it completely?  Tomorrow was another day, right?  But that was the problem.  The next day and a new start ever came.  One day out of control and I was done.  It would take me days if not weeks to recover.  With this plan there is no guilt.  Nothing to restart.  And so far it seems wonderful. 

We'll see how this weekend goes.  Until then, here's food for thought. 

All right, I got busy and forgot to write...

So, it's been a few days since I blogged.  Funny how new words are created.  I assume blogged is a verb past tense.  Anyway, I've been very good about my eating.  I've pretty much stuck to the same stuff for Thursday and Friday as I did earlier in the week.  Friday night was a fundraiser for my daughter where they were serving soup, including two that I prepared.  I made sure I ate before so I wasn't tempted.  Yes, I made two of them, but all that means is that I knew what went into them...including cheddar cheese, sour cream and cream cheese.  I opted for a bowl of whole grain cereal and skim milk and an apple before.  I was starved when I got home after 9, so I had half of a whole wheat tortilla with the refried beans.  It probably wasn't a good idea to have all those carbs before bed, but it was that or ice cream...I took the lesser of two evils and went for the healthy stuff. 

This weekend, Saturday night in particular, I fell off the wagon a bit.  Scott and I went out for a nice dinner, albeit it was a fish place, there are always hidden temptations lurking.  I had a big-ass Newcastle beer, but somewhere in the recesses of my brain I remember hearing beer was healthy.  No matter, I had it and enjoyed it.  I also had swordfish that was crusted in parmesan but countered that with sauteed spinach instead of potatoes.  It also had a wonderful black bean salsa and tomatoes.  Honestly, it was pretty healthy and I didn't finish the piece of fish.  See how I didn't mention the appetizer or dessert?  That was the bad part.  We started with an amazing shrimp in some kind of spicy red sauce, again, not so bad but for the never-ending loaves of bread we dipped into the sauce.  Anytime a restaurant has creme brule, there is no question I will have it.  And of course, this one had it...and it was incredible!  Worth every hip-dimpling calorie.  That's kind of my way to justify eating stuff I shouldn't.  It has to be totally worth it.  If it's just kind of ok, I'll pass.  

So I'm back home now and back on the wagon.  I had a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast and shared a popcorn without butter at the movies.  For dinner I got twice-sauteed tofu with brown rice, a salad and asparagus soup.  Tomorrow is another day and I'm planning on walking to work every day this week.  We'll see how that goes.  The exercise thing seems to really be a thorn in my side.  Can't I just walk up and down the stairs like, once or twice?  It must count for something.  

Tomorrow is Monday and the beginning of a new week, my second week of my new ways of eating.  I'll be back then to keep you and me in check.  Until then, here's food for thought. 

Oops, I skipped a day.

So, I've found out early on that blogging every day is quite a challenge.  The enthusiasm hasn't worn off or anything, but it is hard to find time to do put all of my thoughts down all at once.  After all, there are just SO MANY things going on in my head constantly.  Yesterday I ate very well.  I had oatmeal again for breakfast, an apple, banana and 1/2 avocado for a snack.  For lunch I had 2 soy shiitake burgers.  And for dinner a bowl of tomato soup with tofu.  I still had my 2 cups of coffee but with no creamer and tea.   Today was surprisingly easier!  Oatmeal and 1 egg white for breakfast and an apple and banana for a snack.  I went to my mom's for lunch and had 2 hard boiled eggs (I probably should have nixed the yolks but I love egg yolk!)  and 2 Morning Star soy breakfast sausage patties and a handful of baby carrots.  I had a kiwi for another snack and for dinner a whole wheat tortilla filled with vegetarian refried beans with chile and lime and shredded soy cheddar cheese.  

I find myself not feeling as famished throughout the day, and only after 3 days!  I am totally amazed and quite proud of myself.  I made sure to buy bottled water so I'll be drinking a lot more water tomorrow.  I still haven't weighed myself and I don't really have any intention to.  In the past, I would become literally addicted to the scale.  Every morning I would weigh myself, but not before going to the bathroom, clipping my toenails, blowing my nose and getting naked.  Anything that didn't need to be attached to me I needed to get rid of before stepping up to the plate.  But that wasn't all!  I would come home from work and follow almost the same routine before weighing myself AGAIN!  I could tell based on what I weighed at that time how much I could eat for dinner.  I would also hop on the scale right before bed as well, naked of course.  Whatever I weighed at night I could comfortably subtract 2 pounds from and assume that's what I would weigh in the morning.  On occasion, I would actually weigh less at night than I had that morning.  Oh glory day!  I would sleep so well that night!  For that meant I had really lost some serious poundage!  Because everyone knows you weigh less in the morning than you do at night.  And the cycle would begin again the next morning. 

So, this time around, since my goal is to change my way of life and how I eat in general, I am not calling this a diet.  And because I obsessively weigh myself when on a diet, I will not be weighing myself this time.  I'm sure it will come to a point when my curiosity will be just too overwhelming and I'll to hop on for a peek.  And that's ok.  I just don't want to be a slave to my scale anymore.  It's not about the number, it's about how I look and how I feel.  Hmmm, do I hear a mantra coming on?  I feel as though I've caught you up with the last 48 hours and I will try to write again tomorrow.  It really holds me accountable for all of my preaching and I hope it's helping someone else out there, too. 

Till tomorrow, here's some food for thought. 

The rest of my day went pretty good actually.  I did not walk to work after all because I had some errands to run at lunch.  Once at work, I had 1 small banana, 1 small apple, 1 special k breakfast bar, 1 cup of black coffee, 1 cup of tea and a handful of tamari almonds.  When I went to lunch, I got a salad from subway, which was pretty good actually.  It was ham, turkey and veggies, no cheese, oil and vinegar. I got a huge iced tea and no sweetener!  That was a tuff one.  I've heard and read that now that even splenda and nutrasweet are bad for you.  Somehow, your brain tastes sweet and starts pumping out insulin that has nowhere to go since there's no sugar to break down.  It of course, turns to fat.  What else is new.  

Don't you just hate it when you've started down the new path, the right path, to ultimate health success, and some wise guy comes into the picture and tries to break you?  Today, someone came into the office with a tupperware of rum balls.  I declined but they were shoved into my face.  Literally, he was saying 'come on, you can have just one...they're awesome!' I tried over and over to decline but eventually took one.  I took a pinch of it and gave the rest to someone else, who wound up throwing it out.  It really upset me that he was so insistent that I eat one.  It must be that only people who haven't been in my situation, or those in denial, just don't get it.  Here I am starting the new year off on a good foot and a friend is trying to undermine me.  After discussing this issue with a few cohorts, I think I have a solution to this dilemma.  The next time this happens, and it will, I'm going to politely take the item and throw it away later.  Or as soon as the giver is out of sight.  Hopefully I won't be tempted to dredge it out of the trash can later in the day, but it's worth a shot. 

Around 2:30, I needed someone to talk me down.  I was having total withdrawals from coffee mate and diet coke.  I swear there is something in them that is addictive.  Perhaps I shouldn't have tried giving them both up at the same time.  Maybe I should have weaned myself off gradually, like over a period of 2 years or so.  Tomorrow is another day and I'm pretty proud of myself actually.  No cheating and I feel pretty darned good.  Albeit a bit waterlogged from drinking so much water and iced tea.  I've heard I will eventually reach a point of water balance so I won't be in the bathroom more than at my desk.  We'll just have to wait and see.

Until tomorrow...enjoy this food for thought. 

Back to work

Good Morning!  I had to put the exclamation point there to try and motivate myself to be excited, or at least awake today.  I have to go back to work after being off for 2 weeks and it sucks!  I think I've managed to do well with breakfast and I'm planning on walking to work.  

so far:  1 packet of Trader Joes instant oatmeal complete

             1 tsp brown sugar

             1 TBSP raisins

             shake of cinnamon (supposed to be good for maintaining blood glucose levels)

             4 oz orange juice

             1 cup coffee witth 1 TBSP Coffee Mate peppermint mocha creamer

We'll talk about the possibility of my being addicted to Coffee Mate later.  I believe the government has added some kind of mind controlling substance to it rendering you helpless when trying to not buy it.  

Until later, here's...food for thought.

               

Later Sunday

Ok.  So now I've had:  1 small sweet potato plain

                                   2 bell peppers

                                   8 oz boneless/skinless chicken breast

                                   with Shake N Bake

                                   1 cup mixed frozen vegetables

                                   2 big cups of water

Unfortunately, I could not motivate myself to formally exercise today.  I have gone up and down 3 flights of stairs several times doing laundry and such.  Thank goodness there are stairs here.  At least I'm forced to do some sore of exercise every day!  But the challenge continues.  This is almost the most dangerous time of day for me.  I'm not going to be going to sleep for at least 3 more hours, and I'm bound to get hungry.  I'm sitting her right now actually feeling like I didn't eat enough, although I know I most certainly did. I'll continue to drink water and hot tea and try to go to bed early.  I can't eat if I'm sleeping...right?

Until tomorrow, I'll try to be done with...food for thought. 

In a nutshell

It's Passover, Thanksgiving, Yom Kippur, any holiday.  We're at my grandmother's house with about 25 family members.  There's incredibly yummy food on the table and I go to reach for another serving of potatoes, or rice, or chicken.  My father says, 'Are you sure you need that? Please don't have more.  It's fattening.'  My mother says nothing.  Everyone pretends not to have heard.  I, of course, take a second helping, much to my father's disappointment.  This was typical. Whether we were at a someone's house, a restaurant or home, the scenario was the same.  I found myself sneaking food, mostly sweet or salty things, when nobody was around or looking.  If I was home alone, I would scavenge through the pantry looking for anything...half an oreo, a stray chocolate chip, a cheeto. My father would also hide oreos in the freezer and count them first.  I found out about the counting thing because after sneaking 3 of them, he came home and told me that was precisely how many were missing from the package.  

It took me years to admit there was something seriously wrong with my eating habits.  I know what is healthy to eat. I know what is normal to eat. I just don't want to eat that way.  I enjoy food too much.  So I find myself here now.  Forty years old, divorced, two amazing children, a good job, but miserable when I look at myself in the mirror. It's been a rough year. The divorce isn't really final yet and I just moved into my own place a little over a month ago.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am.  My kids are healthy, happy and seem to be well-adjusted to the change in their lives.  I've decided to go back to school to get my teaching credentials and Master's degree.  I should be happy.  And I am happy until I walk past a mirror or try to put on some clothes that fit me a few months ago.  

I am going to try and diary everything I eat each day.  And I'm going to try and exercise.  I won't join a gym because I won't go.  I may in the beginning, but when the novelty wears off, I'll stop going.  Yesterday the kids and I walked 2 miles and I felt great after!  I had a real sense of accomplishment and sadly, my legs were sore within 5 minutes of walking in the front door.  But I felt good.  And that's what counts.  I'm hoping to throw a little humor into the mix of all this, too!  Supposedly, I'm pretty funny!  I crack myself up all the time!  At least someone's laughing.  

Ok, so as not to be a hypocrite the first day, here's a list of what I've consumed so far today:

1 kiwi

1 very small avocado

4 oz of pomegranate juice

2 cups of coffee with 1 TBSP creamer

1 head of red leaf lettuce

1 roma tomato

1/4 block of tofu

1/2 can garbanzo beans

1/4 can sliced beets

1 cup quinua

1 cup tea

2 big glasses of water

So far, so good.  I've got chicken breasts thawing for dinner.  That's the other problem. My first thought in the morning is literally what I'm going to eat that day.  Right after breakfast, I'm thinking about lunch, and then dinner.  In between meals I'm thinking about snacks.  It's like food always has to be there, with me, in my mind.  There is a program on Discovery Health I watched about morbidly obese people.  One of them said that food addiction is unlike any other kind of addiction.  An alcoholic or drug user can survive without ever 'using' again.  With food, you need it to survive!  You have to have the very thing that is your enemy every day!  That sucks!  No wonder it's so hard to manage.  

I'll be back tomorrow, or who knows, perhaps later tonight.  For now, I'll just leave you with...dare I say...food for thought.