In a nutshell

It's Passover, Thanksgiving, Yom Kippur, any holiday.  We're at my grandmother's house with about 25 family members.  There's incredibly yummy food on the table and I go to reach for another serving of potatoes, or rice, or chicken.  My father says, 'Are you sure you need that? Please don't have more.  It's fattening.'  My mother says nothing.  Everyone pretends not to have heard.  I, of course, take a second helping, much to my father's disappointment.  This was typical. Whether we were at a someone's house, a restaurant or home, the scenario was the same.  I found myself sneaking food, mostly sweet or salty things, when nobody was around or looking.  If I was home alone, I would scavenge through the pantry looking for anything...half an oreo, a stray chocolate chip, a cheeto. My father would also hide oreos in the freezer and count them first.  I found out about the counting thing because after sneaking 3 of them, he came home and told me that was precisely how many were missing from the package.  

It took me years to admit there was something seriously wrong with my eating habits.  I know what is healthy to eat. I know what is normal to eat. I just don't want to eat that way.  I enjoy food too much.  So I find myself here now.  Forty years old, divorced, two amazing children, a good job, but miserable when I look at myself in the mirror. It's been a rough year. The divorce isn't really final yet and I just moved into my own place a little over a month ago.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for who I am.  My kids are healthy, happy and seem to be well-adjusted to the change in their lives.  I've decided to go back to school to get my teaching credentials and Master's degree.  I should be happy.  And I am happy until I walk past a mirror or try to put on some clothes that fit me a few months ago.  

I am going to try and diary everything I eat each day.  And I'm going to try and exercise.  I won't join a gym because I won't go.  I may in the beginning, but when the novelty wears off, I'll stop going.  Yesterday the kids and I walked 2 miles and I felt great after!  I had a real sense of accomplishment and sadly, my legs were sore within 5 minutes of walking in the front door.  But I felt good.  And that's what counts.  I'm hoping to throw a little humor into the mix of all this, too!  Supposedly, I'm pretty funny!  I crack myself up all the time!  At least someone's laughing.  

Ok, so as not to be a hypocrite the first day, here's a list of what I've consumed so far today:

1 kiwi

1 very small avocado

4 oz of pomegranate juice

2 cups of coffee with 1 TBSP creamer

1 head of red leaf lettuce

1 roma tomato

1/4 block of tofu

1/2 can garbanzo beans

1/4 can sliced beets

1 cup quinua

1 cup tea

2 big glasses of water

So far, so good.  I've got chicken breasts thawing for dinner.  That's the other problem. My first thought in the morning is literally what I'm going to eat that day.  Right after breakfast, I'm thinking about lunch, and then dinner.  In between meals I'm thinking about snacks.  It's like food always has to be there, with me, in my mind.  There is a program on Discovery Health I watched about morbidly obese people.  One of them said that food addiction is unlike any other kind of addiction.  An alcoholic or drug user can survive without ever 'using' again.  With food, you need it to survive!  You have to have the very thing that is your enemy every day!  That sucks!  No wonder it's so hard to manage.  

I'll be back tomorrow, or who knows, perhaps later tonight.  For now, I'll just leave you with...dare I say...food for thought.